Santa Claus and the Bailout

In Archives

The senate sub-committee was just coming to an end. All of America’s industry had shown up with hat in hand for a piece of the bailout money pie. The gavel was just about to be slammed down calling an end to this ignoble orgy of government spending.

All of a sudden, a loud noise burst through the chamber. All of the senators looked up and to their consternation, there was Santa Claus walking towards them with a hurried pace.

“Senator! Senator!” yelled Santa, “One more thing!”

Each politician looked at each other with curious anticipation. Santa stood before the microphone and said that he was here for some of the bailout money.

Vexed, the lead senator in charge asked how could this be? “You’re Santa Claus. Why do you need any of this bailout money?”

Santa lowered is head and with his shiny cheeks looked back up and said, “I don’t think I can make it until Christmas. Things at the North Pole are so bad that I’m not sure if we might have to go into bankruptcy before the holiday.”

One senator stood up and yelled, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Santa said, “Listen to me; many years ago the union showed up at the North Pole and demanded concessions from me and Mrs. Claus for all of the Elves. They got all of the Elves worked up over health care and lifetime compensation. The Elves threatened to strike and at that time it was so close to Christmas that we had no choice but to give in to the union and its demands. Over the years, because of that union contract, the Elves refused to truly put in a full day’s work and there is nothing we can do about it. We even have to pay some elves that don’t even work for us anymore. The pressure of all of this has put Christmas itself at jeopardy and whether or not we can meet the needs of the children of the world will depend entirely on the American Congress and whether or not you can give me some of that bailout money to keep it all going.”

One of the senators stood up and asked Santa how did he travel here today? Santa said that he got the reindeer together, grabbed the sled, and rushed right over. The senator asked Santa if he knew about all of the methane that was released through all of the reindeer passing gas? He asked Santa whether he knew or not that reindeer and cows are both killing the planet.

Santa stood there stunned and speechless. Another senator asked Santa where was his written plan showing the American Congress his business plans on how to run the North Pole. Once again, Santa was without words.

The senators told Santa it would have been better if he carpooled here rather than leaving such a carbon footprint with the sled and reindeer. They told Santa to leave and come back when he had a written plan on how to run the North Pole. They told him to consider, on his return, Santa’s form of transportation and if Santa wanted some bailout money it might be considered if Santa would agree to build more “green” toys.

With his hat in hand, Santa walked out of the building and onto the doorsteps of the Capital. The reporters were there waiting. Santa walked up to the microphone and a reporter asked, “What will you do now?”

Santa looked down at the sea of reporters waiting on his every word and said, “Well, I guess I need to go to Mexico. I need some cheap workers.”

Mobile Sliding Menu